The Magazine Monitor

Welcome to the Magazine Monitor, the home for:

• Daily Mini-Quiz results
• Paper Monitor
• Your letters
• Punorama (Weds)
• Caption Comp (Thurs)
• 10 things we didn't know (Sat)

NOTE FRIDAY 23 DECEMBER 1620 GMT

Monitor note to all.

The Monitor is now powering down over Christmas and is going into energy-saving mode as part of the Magazine's effort to help the UK meet its commitments under the Kyoto Protocol.

We'll be back in the first week of the New Year for more of the same. Thanks to everyone who has joined in this year, it's been a blast.

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YOUR LETTERS FRIDAY 23 DECEMBER 1615 GMT

Your story Tories back wealth redistribution shows there is no such thing as a new idea in politics. Robert of Locksley was doing this in Sherwood, centuries ago.
Ed Loach,
Clacton, UK

When reporting on the visits of politicians to Iraq, we are always told that "x made a surprise visit to Iraq". Given the security situation, this is of course normal – when, do you think, can we expect to see "x has been planning for 3 months to go to Iraq and took a scheduled flight today which was booked 6 weeks ago"?
Philip,
Epsom

Re Heard of wild boar let out of farm. Doesn't the farming of wild boar somewhat undermine their "wild" credentials?
Maurice Day,
Bootle, UK

"God" is not used as an adjective in the phrase "Very God", as Elaine supposes (Monitor Letters, Thursday). One would not utter "That miracle was very God, wasn't it?!" Rather, "Very" in this instance means "true", hence the lyric exclaims that the baby Jesus was "True God," and not a demi-god or imposter.
Jeff Wutzke,
Phoenix, USA

Re: Elaine from Surrey's confusion over "Oh come all ye faithful". Much of the confusion encountered during the singing of the phrase "Very God" comes from trying to stretch a two-syllable word "very" into 3 notes. The transliteration of the Latin phrase (the hymn is an English rendering of the Latin hymn "Adestes Fideles") is "truly God" ("Deum verum" in Latin) (still not enough syllables) but some versions of the hymn ignore the Latin phrase altogether and replace it with "Son of the Father" – resulting in the right number of syllables for easier singing. Happy Christmas one and all
Roo,
Belfast

Re Today's Mini-Quiz. Why do "scientists" think that Roger Christmas lived in Sussex … What's up with the historians and genealogists?
QJ,
Stafford, UK

Are seasonal e-mail greetings from work contacts the new spam? We seem to be getting 20 a day.
Ed,
Gothenburg, Sweden

I'd like to wish the Magazine a very Happy Christmas. Remember, ground-breaking research published today has discovered that you can avoid a hangover by not drinking alcohol. Could you please let us know when you'll be back as we'll miss you over the Christmas holiday. Thank you again for all your hard work over the last year for us, your grateful Magazine contributors.
John Airey,
Peterborough, UK

Can you save this e-mail and make me the first letter in the Magazine monitor for 2006 please? (not that i've had one printed yet)- thought i'd put that in as people that do seem to get theirs printed!
Amy,
Bristol

And can I be the first to wish you all the best for 2008, and if you publish this, which I would prefer not, please place at the top of the letters. (There, that should do it) Flexigographically, and to all at the Monitor, thanks for another glorious grindscape year. Cheers!
Stig,
London,UK

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PAPER MONITOR FRIDAY 23 DECEMBER 1110 GMT

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor is getting into the festive spirit, it being Christmas Eve eve and all that. But it seems no one else is.

Santa wars have broken out in the village of Haworth in Yorkshire, trumpets the Express. After six years playing Mother Christmas and handing out sweets while strolling the village's cobbled streets, Sweetie Ruttan was told she would have to sit in a grotto this year. When she refused, David Beighton stepped in to play Father Christmas. Now a war of words has broken out between the two, with Mrs Claus reportedly accusing Mr Claus of having the manners of a "slug". Just your average marriage then.

Someone else not enjoying the season of goodwill is Toga, a baby jackass penguin stolen from Amazon World Zoo Park on the Isle of Wight. Taken from his enclosure last Saturday, he will almost certainly die from lack of food if he isn't found today, says the Daily Mail. Two anonymous phone calls have been made by a man claiming to have released Toga into the sea, but he still hasn't been found despite a police search.

But someone in a more giving mood is Wayne Rooney who has bought his fiancee a £70,000 horse for Christmas, according to the Sun. The 19-year-old England footballer hit on the idea after Coleen McLoughlin started taking riding lessons. The paper says she will be thrilled with her present on Christmas Day. Paper Monitor is sure the full page article on it today won't have ruined the surprise.

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FRIDAY 23 DECEMBER

Thursday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked how much Elton John's civil partnership ceremony cost. Most of you (71%) obviously don't know how expensive getting 'married' is and said £180. In fact it cost £560 (11%), which included a £100 refund as Elton is a local resident. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.

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YOUR LETTERS THURSDAY 22 DECEMBER 1710 GMT

So Ben Paddon of Luton… just what job do you do where you can oversleep from your lunchtime nap and STILL get two letters in the Magazine Monitor letters on the same afternoon (Weds 21 Dec)?
Adrian,
Manchester, UK

Re: This week's Punorama. Does anyone else think that these babies are being attacked by miniature versions of those orbs from the island?
Patrick,
London, UK

Clearly the debate over verbing has been going on for a long time. Adjectivising nouns seems to be part of our tradition. Every time I sing the carol 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful', I hear at least one murmur of confusion over the line in the third verse, 'Very God'. Does this mean we can start calling 'imperceptible witticisms' 'very Monitor'?
Elaine,
Egham, Surrey

Re Scarlett Johansson' piercing… what an impressive "sickie" excuse to inform bosses, that you have a hole in your tragus.
Tim McMahon,
Pennar/Wales

Re Kip's suggestion that people from Great Britain should be Grits. What does that make people from Northern Ireland?
Jo,
N. Ireland

Just wondering about the 52 weeks 52 questions quiz. I seem to have only had 48 questions. Are the long-dreaded BBC cutbacks finally starting to take their toll?
Bas,
London
(Monitor note to Bas: The picture question at the foot of each quiz accounted for the other four.)

Having been indirectly encouraged by the Monitor's letters column to search via Google, I was astonished to find that Cabbaging now has its own entry in Wikipedia. I assume that this is one occasion where Monitor readers have no objection to the verbification of a noun?
Alan C,
Bracknell, UK

The third picture in the quiz is Frank Middlemass not Middlemiss. The solution that you gave was discounted yesterday. Even so it was an interesting exercise.
Merry Christmas – or is it Christmis?
Mike Need,
UK

I'd like to be the first to wish The Magazine Monitor a very merry Christmas and all the best for 2007.
Andy,
Epsom, UK

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PAPER MONITOR THURSDAY 22 DECEMBER 1426 GMT

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Apologies for the delay. Paper Monitor, like everyone who is anyone, was up until the wee small hours partying with Elton John to mark his wedding to "mypartnerdavidfurnish".

The Daily Mirror's headline trumpets "With this bling", as it values Elton's diamonds at £250,000, David's wedding band at a modest £55,000, and guest Victoria Beckham's sparklers at an eye-watering £6m.

The Sun's headline will not be reproduced here. To some it is hilarious, to others it is in very poor taste. To Paper Monitor is is a shameless lift from American Pie III's tagline.

Janet Street-Porter writes in the Independent of her pride at being "Elton's best man" – she gave the speech at the after-party.

Only perhaps she wasn't, seeing as how the couple named the superstar's spaniel Arthur best man so as to circumvent the Guildhall's strict no-pets rule, says the Daily Mail.

And leave it to the Daily Telegraph to spoil the fun, with the headline "Gay pride or unholy alliance?" It justifies putting a celebrity wedding on its front page with news that civil partnerships have caused ructions in the church as "priests flout ban on blessings".

Best wishes to all the happy couples.

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PUNORAMA ***UPDATED*** THURSDAY 22 DECEMBER 1140 GMT

It's time for Punorama.

The rules are straightforward – we choose a story which has been in the news, and invite you to create an original punning headline for it.

The story for this week was Olympic gold medallist Denise Lewis meeting five babies who will have a starring role at the 2012 Olympics. The Games organisers have pledged to give every baby in Britain born on December 20 last year – 2012 – a role in the games.

Indicating the colour of the medals the nation is expecting British athletes to win is Growing for gold by Andy in Epsom and Pauline Fearn in Herne Bay, Golden Bawls by Simon Rooke in Nottingham and Going for ga ga goo gold from Sean Smith in Bucks.

Embracing the Olympic theme and earning a bronze medal are L Browne from Tonbridge with The international "crying baby" team were once again disappointed that the sport was not recognised by the Olympic committee, also Jane Mostyn from London with The five Olympic whinge and Winner takes bawl from Candace in New Jersey, US.

Coming in to take silver are It's not the whinging but the taking part that counts from Brian Saxby in Gateshead, Olympic gate crechers by Joel Hodes, also Olympic bib successful but babies are not nappy about it from Kip in Norwich and Crying Games from Darren Farr in Billericay.

But the gold medal goes to Kieran Boyle in Oxford with If it weren't for those medalling kids…. The nation is proud of you.

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THURSDAY 22 DECEMBER

Wednesday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked which is the top tourist attraction in Paris. Most of you (61%) were barking up the wrong landmark when you guessed it was the Eiffel Tower. In fact it's Notre Dame Cathedral (12%), with 10 million visitors a year. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.

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YOUR LETTERS WEDNESDAY 21 DECEMBER 1748 GMT

I don't know the answer to your 52 weeks 52 questions poser, but my name warrants me having a card from Anna Ford. Seeing as I suffered years of people making a joke out of it. I say "suffered", I actually quite like it… but she doesn't need to know that.
Hannah Ford,
London

For Rikki from Essex (Monitor letters): Assuming our lunar bus is moving at top speed (48mph), it will run out of fuel after 11 Tory Leadership Contests (222,000/48/24*12/211). Since the amount of popularity required to win a TLC is roughly equivalent to that of a Coffee Cream, it can reasonably be said that the amount of fuel in the Buncefield depot was equal to a box of Quality Streets five days after Christmas. QED.
Gus,
London

If you search for "imperceptible witticism" as an exact phrase on Google, the Monitor is result two and three of four. It is behind a Sudoku message board and ahead of an online poker site. How is this possible?
John Lewis,
Eastleigh

Well Phil (Monitor letters) if I come from Great Britain perhaps I should be a Grit. If I were to be fervently patriotic about it I'd be a True Grit. I'm just glad I don't come from Transylvania.
Kip,
Norwich UK

Re Punorama: "The Games organisers have pledged to give every baby in Britain born on December 20 last year – 2012 – a role in the games." I know I overslept during my lunchtime nap but I didn't know it'd been that long!
Ben Paddon,
Luton, England

How about nouns as adverbs? I am working as an English teacher and recently had to read an execrable article in which, as English teachers, we were encouraged to "listen and respond prizingly" to our students. Prizingly? Never mind who shall guard the guards, who will teach the teachers?
Helen,
Ankara, Turkey

Edward Higgins makes a good point with regards to his "paperboy" comments (Monitor letters), especially considering an 82-year-old man is retiring from his Dorset route this Christmas having done it for 50 years.
Ben Paddon,
Luton, England

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PAPER MONITOR WEDNESDAY 21 DECEMBER 1109 GMT

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Only four more sleeps to go, and Paper Monitor is in a magnanimous mood. Time for another charivari of highlights.

The Guardian surpasses itself with this correction: "The reference to 'a fibbing Fettes alumni', a column, page 7, G2, yesterday, mistakenly used the masculine plural instead of the singular, alumnus (masc); alumna (fem), alumnae (fem pl), something which readers (plural) were quick to point out."

The Times runs a picture which blows Coldplay singer Chris Martin's "ultimate CO2-neutral, knit-your-own-tofu" image out the window. He is apologising for pranging a fellow driver, leaning out the window of his "dirty great fume-spewing BMW X5." Yes, a Chelsea tractor. Ho ho ho indeed.

Teasing us with the headline "The day Princess Anne went for the footballer's wife look" is the Daily Mail. What, false nails, plunging Versace and Mukluk boots? No, silly, by driving a Bentley. Hasn't she always?

Such conspicuous consumption puts Paper Monitor in mind of present-buying, and the Express provides a guide to what gifts say about the giver – Terry Wogan is a giver of opulent gifts, Paris Hilton's mum succumbs to pester power. It dubs Michael Winner a Scrooge, as he complains that Christmas celebrates spending rather than the little baby Jesus. This from a man who told Have I Got News For You last week that he runs up a £90,000 bill during his Caribbean festivities.

Harking back to simpler times is Alex James in the Independent, as he recalls one of Blur's few get-togethers this year. "We rocked our socks off and recorded everything on a cassette through one microphone." A cassette? How sweet! Now Paper Monitor knows what it wants to find in its Christmas stocking.

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WEDNESDAY 21 DECEMBER

Tuesday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked which Dorset town is the model for a new Chinese town of 200,000 people, to be called British Town? A healthy 38% of you got it right – it's Dorchester. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.

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YOUR LETTERS TUESDAY 20 DECEMBER 1700 GMT

Re: nouns as verbs. Earlier this week, a BBC Radio 5 sports correspondent said that British athletes were hoping 'to medal' at the next Olympics.
Alan,
Chelmsford,

Stephen Buxton may be right, but as the immortal Calvin said to Hobbes, "Verbing weirds language."
Roy,
Helsinki, Finland

If not Nutty (Paper Monitor, Tuesday), the Monitor remains Topic-al.
Kieran Boyle,
Oxford, England

A couple of years ago you asked for homemade games played at Christmas, the winner of which was the fantastic sock game. Any chance of doing the same again?
Ed,
Ipswich

Re: The article about same sex unions (Out of ceremony, into history, 19 December), in which Nick Thatcher writes that "one wag tried his best to antagonise the [anti-ceremony] crowd with a placard reading: 'The earth is flat.'" I haven't heard the term "wag" used in public for a very long time. I say we need to lead a resurrection of this fine word.
Chris,
Wales, UK

I was reading Beagle 2 probe 'spotted' on Mars, and was amazed at how anyone could make anything out from that picture! To me it could be a bad photo of a marble or an eye? Maybe we have a new game where we could guess (however poorly) as to what an image is, this can be done along side the 'Where's Waldo' Big Picture on the Magazine index (you have to spot where the part of the image is shown in the little frame, sometimes its more difficult than today!).
NickW,
London, UK

On Monday Paper Monitor blamed the paperboy for not delivering the papers. Is "paperboy" not a sexist *and* ageist term nowadays? When we all have to work until we're 69, whatever our gender, we might be grateful for a chance to deliver some newspapers.
Edward Higgins,
Plumstead

The report on Elton John and David Furnish's stag dosays that Paul O'Grady "compared the event." To what, precisely?
Mike Simpson,
Leicester, UK

Is the Buncefield tank (700,000 gallons) the new measure of fuel consumption, as the Rouemaster has now gone out of service? You could only get 12 return bus trips to the moon (or more feasibly, 240 times round the world) from the oil in one of those tanks if you used a Routemaster. A modern bus would expire after little more than half that distance. To put it another way, if London's supposedly modern fleet of double deckers were all replaced by Routemasters, it would save fuel equivalent to one Buncefield tank every four weeks. (Source of data: the ecology chapter in http://www.policyexchange.org.uk/uploads/media/RoutemasterBook.pdf)
Tim,
London

So "each tank at the Buncefield oil depot housed 700,000 gallons of fuel, enough to take a bus to the Moon and back 12 times." Could someone tell me how long that is in TLCs (Tory Leadership Contests)?
Rikki,
Essex, UK

After reading Stuart from Cambridge's comment about Google, how many Monitor readers ran to check? If we keep using the phrase "imperceptible witticism" in our letters, how soon before we have all first page results? Incidentally, we don't make the first page of results under the keyword "flexicon".
Teri,
Detroit, US

I note that Phil B-C specifically asked for his letter to be printed at the top, so you deliberately placed it at the bottom. Please do not publish this letter.
Dave Godfrey,
Swindon

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PAPER MONITOR TUESDAY 20 DECEMBER 1015 GMT

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press, when the papers arrive.

Good news, all. The papers arrived this morning, so normal service is resumed.

Paper Monitor was naturally sore at having missed out on yesterday's Daily Express front page story about Diana, particularly as by some oversight, there seems to be no mention of her in today's paper. There is, however, a column written by the Countess of Wessex. It's got a touch of the Blunketts about it.

"Why is it that when our eyesight begins to deteriorate we get glasses, if our teeth start to crumble we have braces, caps or crowns, if our hair goes grey we dye it – and yet when our hearing starts to fade we ignore it. Well, as the proud owner of glasses, a crown and highlights (thankfully not covering up grey as yet!) it appears I am trying for the full house – but hopefully not yet."

That's enough of that, thank you. But special marks for the "crown" joke.

One other thing to note… For many years, Private Eye has run a column called I-Sky, in which it collects mentions of Sky TV in the Murdoch press. The Sun has a fine example of that today. Under the headline "BSkyGlee" it reports that the company now has its eight millionth subscriber, adding: "As many homes take BSkyB's service as own a bicycle, cat or dog. Indeed, more homes have Sky TV than eat Polos, the country's favourite mints."

So – listening everyone? – enough with the measuring sizes by comparison to double decker buses, Wales, football pitches or Nelson's Column. From now on, all degress of popularity must be measured by comparison to pets or confectionary items. (Paper Monitor is about as popular as one of those Nutty bars that you can't get any more, incidentally.)

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TUESDAY 20 DECEMBER

Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked who is the most famous person in the world, according to children under 10? Forty-five percent of you said Wayne Rooney, but the little angels aren't that superficial. They actually believed it to be God. (Rooney, though, was second.) Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.

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YOUR LETTERS MONDAY 19 DECEMBER 2005 1630 GMT

Re: Paper Monitor, Monday, in which Paper Monitor had to cope when no papers were delivered. Presumably the paper boy has padlocked you into your building, as you seem unable to fetch your own papers. Either that or no-one is flush enough so close to Christmas to risk not being repaid through petty cash.
Alan Jordan,
Derby

In the absence of its daily delivery of the national press, Paper Monitor might like to know that the Daily Express has managed to mention Diana, Princess of Wales on its front page today.
Sue,
London, UK

It's a shame that the FT's regular TV critic has left the paper as she might have been able to point out to her colleague that the neologism "to re-gift" was in fact coined on Seinfeld a full ten years ago.
Mike Simpson,
Leicester, UK

On the subject of nouns as verbs (Paper Monitor, Monday): prior to the recent anti-terror bill the BBC's own Nick Robinson reported that Tony Blair was 'angsting'.
Mark Gillies,
London, UK

Regarding Lucy Kellaway's comments covered in the Paper Monitor today: doesn't she know that every noun can be verbed?
Stephen Buxton,
Coventry, UK, thelbiq.co.uk

I've just seen the portrait of the Queen by Rolf Harris. To be honest, I'm a little dissapoined, I was hoping for a Queenaroo.
Gareth Edwards,
Stoke on Trent, UK

I thought people from Britain were Britons. Now everyone seems to be calling us Brits, which seems a bit ugly. Can any of the raging pedants who read the Monitor tell me which it should be? I need to know what I am.
Phil,
Guisborough, Great Britain

May I propose a new name for Suzi's weight measurement unit of the sugar bag. I feel the name kontainer-glucose (or kg for short) has a nice ring to it. A Routemaster weighs about 8000 of these "KGs"
Ian, UK

Surely there has been a mistake made in the latest 10 Things We Didn't Know. "8. Each tank at the Buncefield oil depot housed 700,000 gallons of fuel, enough to take a bus to the Moon and back 12 times." According to NASA, it takes 835,958 gallons of liquid propellants just for a space shuttle mission, and this doesn't even reach the moon. Perhaps NASA should have taken the bus instead!?
Cameron Smith,
Bath, UK

Re: Measurement of joy of reading letters (Monitor Letters, Friday). May I suggest the unit of zehnfreude or Zf. One zehnfreude equals the joy of finding one forgotten tenner in your pocket. The prefixes centi and milli can be added to describe finding 10p or a penny, respectively. A joy equal to finding a fiver, therefore, is 0.5 zehnfreude or 50 centizehnfreude. Any joy can be measured using this system: getting a job 150 Zf, new born baby 2 mega Zf, etc. Reading the Monitor letters registers between 0.3-0.5 Zf.
Ali K,
Edinburgh

I know I'm a bit late joining this debate, but I can't believe nobody's mentioned Jude law's American accent in Cold Mountain. It's dreadful.
Mark Gillies,
London, UK

The Monitor is the top two entries in Google for "imperceptible witticisms".
Stuart Moore,
Cambridge, UK

Come on Monitor, by publishing so many letters (Monitor Letters, Friday), you have devalued the once prized experience of seeing one's own perceptible witicism in print. Added to that, I am sure there are some great letters towards the bottom of the page, but I can't be bothered to read that far. Please put mine near the top.
Phil B-C,
London

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PAPER MONITOR MONDAY 19 DECEMBER 1130 GMT

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor has a small confession today: its papers have not arrived. PM is wracking its brains, wondering whether in some calamitous misunderstanding it has failed to stump up a fiver for the paper boy's Christmas box and this is his means of retribution.

Whatever the explanation, PM is not totally out in the cold – it has been left clutching a lone copy of Monday's Financial Times.

The FT is not known for the sort of brash, cavalier Fleet Street spirit that usually pushes PM's buttons. But it's not all endless stories about balance of trade deficits and pension shortfalls either.

The departure earlier this year of the FT's TV listings critic Kate Bevan, whose acerbic putdowns were unrivalled, was a sad loss to the pink paper's collective chutzpah, but columnist Lucy Kellaway holds the banner high for those who are a little sceptical of corporate speak.

Today Kellaway presents an eclectic round-up of examples of stupidity in the business world.

Her prize for the "Most annoying voicemail message" goes to Microsoft's press office, which tells callers "This is the rapid response team! Unfortunately we cannot take your call right now…"

She also puts the knife into the BT employee who has the e-mail sign-off "Agile, Wily, Energetic, Success-Orientated Management Exponent", and the Swiss pharmaceuticals company that sent managers to New York for an "accent reductions course". Meanwhile, the contenders for "Best noun as verb" include "to task", "to lunch" and "to gift". Her winner though is "to re-gift".

PM has no idea what it means either, but if the paper boy happens to be reading, it'd willingly resort to a spot of gifting to set matters right.

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MONDAY 19 DECEMBER

Last Friday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked: what was unusual about the gladiator depicted on a piece of Roman pottery found in Durham? Only 11% of you answered correctly that he was wearing a thong. Today's Daily Mini-Quiz is on the Magazine index.

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Last week's Magazine Monitor

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